For Terri and those who have lost someone dear to them....

You may wonder why I feel compelled to write this down....I keep reading Terrie's blog and hear her pain and Jude's at loosing their Mother's...Maybe what I have to say will help ease some of pain...Some may think it's silly, they may not understand or believe what I say....My Ex husband will back me up on this....He was there......he knows too....My daughter is the testament to a Mother's love that crossed boundries that death could not hold...

I lost my Mother to Ovarian Cancer on April 6th, 1971...Back then...there wasn't enough known about it to fight it....She was first diagnosed back in October...went thru Chemo and Radiation treatments...She went back in March to have her "second look" surgery and that's when they found that it had spread all over...The doctor's basically told my Father to take her home...There was nothing more to do...She deteriorated fairly quickly and passed on April 6th...I was going to turn 6 the next month in May...I know she didn't want to leave...I know how much she loved us...Growing up I felt bad that I no longer had her with me but I had memories of her....not alot but memories that kept me warm and happy at night...I still to this day have a spotted dog that she gave me as a birthday present the previous year...Oh it's missing an eye...it's battered and worn and has a lot of sewing jobs on it...but it's been with me thru my growing up, my Son's bad dreams, my daughter and now Glen holds on tight to it at night....

I missed my mother terribly growing up...I heard everything from "Well God must have had better plans for her" to "You probably don't miss her that much now do you" Oh those were the good ones...I was angry at the sheer callousness of people who knew that I was raised by my father..."He ought to marry...you need a mother...not a father" Yes...I gave most of those idiots a piece of my mind...

I also had always known that I come from an Indian lineage...My Great Great Grandfather was the Cheif of his Villiage of the Seneca indians...His wife was the medicine woman...I met some Senenca's and I will never forget what one said to me when I told them of my mother..."Do not worry little one...she is the wind that whips around you so you are enveloped in her love...She is the star in the night sky...guiding you as you make your path in this world...she will always be with you...Just as you see the stars in the sky and feel the breeze upon your face...she is with you..." I don't think anyone has ever made me feel better about it...The indians that I had met truly were wonderful and insightful people...I guess that's why I have adopted so many of their beliefs....It has stuck with me always...

When my ex-husband and I decided to have a child...it took us a year to finally get pregnant...We were elated although it was a very tough pregnancy and delivery...We knew that Hayley was going to be a girl when I was 4 months along...We had tried to figure out a way to put my mother's name Shirley into Hayley's name...We just couldn't do it...We opted to use Mom's middle name instead...So her name is Hayley Ann...Doug knew just how much I missed having Mom with me...that I had grandchildren she would never see...

Then came the morning I will never in my life forget...Hayley was 2 months old when it happened...We both were jolted away 15 minutes before Doug's alarm was to go off...We both knew to check Hayley...we said it together at the same time...I ran and looked into her crib...she was blue and not breathing...I picked her up and did mouth to mouth a few times and she woke up...and cried....and cried...and you better believe I loved to hear that sound! Doug was so shocked that he had to stay home from work...She was put on an apnea monitor that very day...She continued to have episodes until just under a year old...

But that day struck me for another reason...It was only after Hayley had started crying that I noticed the smell....I hadn't smelled that smell since Mom and I used to curl up on the floor watching cartoons together...Mom's fragrant talcum powder...She loved to use it and I loved the smell....flowery and light...She was there...At that moment I could feel her all around me...I know this..I firmly believe that...She woke us both up...She saved my daughter...Her Grandchild...She was watching...

Think of this what you will...draw you own conclusions if you want to....but this is what I believe to be true...I think even now she watches over me and my children....